Loving myself...

                                                                         -William Sloane Coffin

No list this week.

My heart is heavy this morning.  I had a fight with my mother.  The kind of fight where things you've been holding on to for a long time come spilling out and splatter all over your world and you're left to clean up the mess.  

I guess you could say that mothers and daughters do this.  I agree to an extent, but this runs a little deeper than that.  I've been holding on to things for a long, long time.  I do my best to forgive and forget, but I'm internalizing alot, and I'm coming to a point in my life where I don't want to do that anymore.  I want to change. 

I want to know that everything doesn't have to be perfect.  That the world won't unravel if I don't keep a tight grip on it.  That there is such a thing as freedom from the past.  I want to live.  I want to banish worry from my world and relax in the comfort that God is in control...not me.

I'm hoping that this can be the beginning of something new and better.  For as long as I can remember, I've been trying to fix things, things that aren't mine to fix.  The scars run deep, and it hurts, but I know that I have to let go.  I have to, before it seeps in and destroys me, and my marriage and everything that I hold dear. 

I have to tell the little girl inside me that it's not her fault.  She didn't do anything wrong.  She deserves to be happy.

My first instinct after a fight with anyone I love is to run to them, and try and mend it.  This time, I'm doing the very best I can to mend myself first.  I have to.  If I don't, then all I'm doing is what I've always done.  Nothing will change, and I'll find myself right back here again, and I don't want to come back to this place.  

I guess at this point, I'm not as mad at my mother, as I am determined to change my own perspective.  I know that our relationship will be okay.  We love each other too much for it not to be.

It's high time I become the woman I'm supposed to be.  

I know that within me is a woman, who possesses the best attributes of both her mother and her father, and some that are all hers.  She's kind, and confident.  She's real, and she doesn't pretend to be anything she's not.  She's not quick to anger, and she knows when to say no and how to say it assertively.  She loves herself first, so that she can love others to her full potential.  She adores her family and enjoys every day of her life.  She doesn't take things for granted, but she also doesn't take things too seriously.  She laughs alot.  

I'd like to be her friend and stop beating her up so much.  I'm also going to stop talking about myself in third person...it's starting to creep me out.  

In some ways, I'm already her.  In others, I have some work to do.  

I'm going to start by loving myself more.

**********************************************

I'm sorry for such a serious post the day before a holiday.  I hope you all have plans to spend this weekend kicking off summer with friends and family, and that you find peace in remembering those who have passed before us.  I wish you sunny days and ice cold drinks, and most of all lots and lots of love.  

I'm off to spend a couple days visiting my Dad's old stomping ground.  It will be a mini version of our trip last year with just me and my sister and my dad.

Happy Memorial Day!

{photo credit:  JenniPenni}

Another Lost post...

Lost numbers silk screened print by Ty Mattson 

Okay, remember on Monday when I wrote about the Lost finale?

Remember how I said I loved it?  Well, I did, I can't deny it.  

That being said, the more I've talked it through with friends, the more disappointed I've become.  I mean, yes, it was crazy romantic and happy and uplifting....but what about all that stuff that they went through on the island?  Did none of that even matter?  

I still have a lot of burning questions, including, but not limited to:

• what was up with the pregnant ladies dying?  did we ever find that out?
• what was the point of the numbers?  just a way to tie it together?  why those numbers?
• what was the connection between Jacob and the Dharma initiative?  

Now, admittedly, some of these things I didn't get may very well have been answered.  I watched every episode, but did not even begin to comprehend everything that was flying at me!  I definitely consider myself a fan, but I have not spent hours digging through lostpedia, or watching episodes over and over.  I have a friend like that.  He's the one I go to to ask all these questions, cause he usually knows the answer.

He brought up a good point.  The writers certainly left it open for a movie plot if they so desire.  Think about it.  Hurley was left in charge of the island, with Ben as his #2.  Ben suggested Hurley start by getting Desmond home.  {Right there you have a task for a movie.} We know they followed through with that, because when Ben was sitting in the courtyard outside the church, he and Hurley talked about it, saying that they'd done a good job. 

They could totally bring back the children for a "Lost, The Next Generation" if you will.  You've got Walt, Aaron, and Sun and Jin's kid.  Think about it!

They certainly left plenty of things to still explain and delve into deeper if they so choose.

I'm kind of hoping for a movie now.  I'd just be scared that they'd make it totally lame, and dumb it down for a general audience or something.

I'll stop rambling about this.  Point being, I still loved the ending, but I wish I knew more!

Would you be excited about a Lost movie?

Inspiring Inspiration...

Perhaps I'm in search of a little inspiration myself, but I've been thinking about inspiration boards this morning.  I love seeing the bits and bobs that people collect, what they find inspiring.  I added a pretty butterfly card that Amanda sent me to mine last night.

An inspiration board is a piece of art in itself, constantly changing, evolving with the owner.

I'm feeling inspired to work on being inspired...is that strange?

A few inspiring inspiration boards from flickr:

{this one, by andrea singarella , has actually been inspiring me for a while}

{by Magic Jelly .  I love the images of people on this one.}

{the light and airy feel of this one screams lazy days of summer.  by sfgirlbybay.}

{i love how this one by cindy {quaint handmade} breaks the boundaries of the board.}

Do you have an inspiration board?

p.s. if you type inspiration too many times it starts looking like a made up word.  ;)

Houseversary...

Last Friday marked one year that we've been in our new house.  It's strange how on one hand it seems like we just moved in, and on the other it seems we've always lived here.  I remember the months, and months...and even more months that we had our old house on the market and were waiting to be able to find our new home.  Finally, just as we were losing hope altogether, our buyer came, and we went out searching for our new place....the right place for us.  I can now say without a doubt that we found just that.  We are exactly where we're meant to be.  I'm certain of it.

The last year in this house has made everything new again. Holidays have held a little something special.  We've had new spaces to decorate, new neighbors to befriend.  It struck me the other day that all the "first year" holidays are over.  But then, I realized that there are still some firsts we can have here...and I think they'll be the best of all.  ;)  

I think each year will get better as we make memories in this home.  We plan on living here for a long, long time.  I can't wait to watch our maple grow in the front yard.  Someday, it will be big and will cast glorious red light into our living room from it's fiery leaves in the fall.  We'll look back on our pictures and everything will look different.  Our home will be richer, more full of love, and probably more full of stuff.

I'm so very grateful for my home.  We have been blessed beyond words with a beautiful place to call ours. 

Here's to many more years!

Do you love your home, or is it just a place you live?

Old Photos, Aunt Georgia in a Cloche...

My Great Great Aunt Georgia and her first husband, Tom Miller.

love the hat!  oh, and I have officially determined that these are not in fact the photos from the album.  I still need to locate those.  Fun to share nonetheless!

*****I do ask that you keep in mind that these are my family photos.  Please do not use them without my written permission.  Thank you.*****

End of an Era...

Who watched the Lost finale last night?  

I know there are some Losties who read this, so I thought I'd share my thoughts, and see what you guys thought as well!  For those of you who aren't fans, sorry, you might as well skip this post!  ;)

First of all, I just want to say, that I cannot believe it's over!  I remember talking to a friend here at work the day it first aired, and asking if he was going to watch.  We both decided it might be an interesting show.  I almost didn't tune in, because I'm mildly of afraid of flying and didn't want those images in my head.  Well, I'm glad I did!  It's been quite the ride!

Okay, on the finale...I LOVED it! 

I know there are some mixed responses to the ending, but I have to say, I thought it was epic!  I was a little surprised that they took it there, and I imagine that it wasn't necessarily the most popular way to go, but to me, it was perfect.

I love that today I'm still discussing it with my friends, and trying to figure it all out, but yet not left with a "what the heck just happened" feeling.  I was fearful that they would leave us completely guessing.  I feel like I was given just enough closure balanced with just to ponder.  

There were so many goosebump moments during the final show.  Like the reunions of each of the couples.   Sayid and Shannon {I forgot they were a couple until the recap!}, Sawyer and Juliet, Claire and Charlie, and of course Jack and Kate.  Loved those sweet moments.

I was blown away with the fact that I never once picked up on Jack's dad's name, Christian Shepard, and the literal interpretation of that.  Never occurred to me until Kate asked Desmond who died!  Maybe it was just me....

Anyway, as a Christian, I was touched by the symbolism.  The empty tomb, the father's love, the fact that he led them into the light.  Perfect.

I'm not sure when to believe they all died, but I think that's part of the point.  I think it's supposed to be left open for interpretation.  

Anyway, I'll stop rambling now....

What did you think?  Love it?  Hate it?  Do you feel like they left you hangin'?

Friday to-do...

Hooray!  It's Friday!  

This week has been sort of medium, I'd say, on the long side.  Not excruciating at all, but I'm still so happy that the weekend is here!  I think the rain has finally stopped and sunny skies are expected all the way through until next Saturday!  Good thing, cause I don't think I could take much more of the gloomy skies and wetness.  {I'm not entirely sure I'm ready for the heat and humidity that's coming either, but I'll take it!}

This weekend's activities include:

• Boot Camp.  {I'm supposed to start tomorrow morning with my neighbor friend, but we haven't booked the class yet.  I'm waiting to make sure she gets booked before I book.  Don't want to get stuck going by myself!  And, yes, I'm a little scared of what this whole "boot camp" will entail.} not goting to work out this weekend after all.  Maybe after memorial day weekend?  ;)
• A trip to the historic City Market in downtown KC with my mom.  {We're looking forward to browsing over 140 vendor stalls and seeing what kind of goodness we can find!  I haven't been since I was a kid, so I'm really looking forward to this!}
• Chores.  {I'm a little behind on my list, but as long as I don't get alot behind, it will even itself out!}
• Transferring my herb seedlings to real pots!  {I cannot wait to have fresh herbs to cook with!  They are doing so well!}
• Watching hours and hours of Lost.  {6 1/2 to be exact.  The pilot on Saturday night, the two hour recap on Sunday, and the 2 1/2 hour finale after that!  Holy cow!  I just hope I can stay awake for it all.  If not, there's no way I can go to work on Monday without it being ruined for me!  I might have to bust out some coffee to keep me up til 10:30 on a Sunday night.}  Anyone else as excited as I am?

Looks like I'm in for a packed weekend!  

How about you?  What's on your to-do?

{photo credit:  madelyn * persisting stars }

Ketchup, Mustard!

Oh Hai Mustard and Ketchup Art Print by theBungaloo on Etsy 

I did it!  I finally caught up on my blog list!  Hooray!  It's only taken me a month to finally be up to date on my blog reading after a week long vacation in April!  

Am I the only one who has this issue after being gone?  

I know I could just pick up the day I'm back, but I just hate to miss anything!  I am officially up to date, and it feels awesome!  Now, maybe I can concentrate on something else!

other things we've caught up on lately:

• The Amazing Race.  I cannot believe those mean brothers won!  I was rooting for the Cowboys...how 'bout you?
• Dishes.  They were out of control like last time.
• Project Runway.  I know, I was really behind!  I thought this finale was the best ever!  
• Housework in general...my plan is working!  

Here's to being caught up!

{I kinda want a burger and some fries now.}

Urban Outfitters Bike Shop...

Have you guys been there?  You can customize your very own Plato Rider in any color combo you want.

Right now this is tickling my fancy...

What would you choose?

Go here and make one for yourself!

p.s. Sorry for being brief yesterday.  I had a doctors appointment that took up my entire morning.  Nothing serious, just a yearly exam.  I was behind before I ever got my day started!  What did I miss?

Old Photos, Great Greats

Aljet Ennen & Corneila (Damm) Detmer

{my great great grandparents}

*****I do ask that you keep in mind that these are my family photos.  Please do not use them without my written permission.  Thank you.*****

I promise...

to try not to eat them too fast...

picked these up at Target over my lunch break. What can I say...I'm defenseless when it comes to chocolate!  Anyone else have this problem? 

Do you prefer Milk or Dark Chocolate?

I never met a chocolate I didn't like.  I'll take it creamy milk or bitter dark.  I feel like dark chocolate is easier to ration though.  Let's hope so!

{good thing I'm starting boot camp this week!}

Happy Birthday Dad!

This weekend was full of rain, rain, and more rain.  We did venture out of the house Saturday evening to celebrate my dad's 66th birthday!  We had hamburgers and hot dogs off the grill and all kinds of yummy fixings.  It was my first burger of the season, and man was it delicious! ;)

My dad is one of the most avid readers of this blog...Hi Dad!  {Warning:  I'm about to dote.}

He is one of the coolest guys around, and I'm not just saying that cause he's my dad.  Everyone who meets him instantly loves him.  He's just real.  He says it like it is, and lives according to what makes him happy while still somehow managing to do anything and everything he can to help the people he cares about.  Always willing to lend a hand. He's one of the greatest men I know.  I'm one lucky girl, and I'm so lucky to call him not only my father, but one of my best friends.

Love you Dad!  I hope you had a blast on your birthday!  ;)

How was your weekend?

Typing to-do's...

In case you haven't noticed, I've sort of adopted typewriters as my image of choice for my friday to-do posts.  For some reason, I associate them with list making.  That doesn't really make sense, but I don't care. 

I wish computers made the same melodic sound when we typed on them.  Although, that would probably get pretty annoying at the office.  I remember taking "typing" in 8th grade.  While they weren't quite as old as the one above, we learned on actual typewriters.  The teacher would put a record on {which was outdated even then} with songs like "Mr. Football USA" and we would all type to the beat.  It was ridiculous and cheesy, and so much fun!  

I met one of my dearest friends to this day in that class.  Good times.  

So, what's on the agenda for this weekend?

• Run!  I'm starting a boot camp class next week, and don't want to completely die in front of my friends!
• Get a present for my dad...tomorrow is his birthday!  {any suggestions on what to get a guy who has everything?  He's not a golfer, hunter, or fisherman and has ever tool known to man.}
• Celebrate Dad's birthday at a barbeque with friends/family.
• Relax.  

This weekend should be pretty low key and I couldn't be happier!  Bring on the weekend!  

What's on your agenda?

{photo credit:  jo bradford}

pinwheels...

First of all, thank you all so much for your prayers and well wishes for my family!  You are all the best.  {From what I hear they are all doing fine and their roof is being boarded up until it can be repaired properly.}

I had to make a trip to the Dollar Tree over lunch and while I was there I picked up some of these ...

I couldn't resist.

{I got the multi-colored ones}

I have no idea what I will do with them, but at 3 for $1, I couldn't resist!

Maybe I'll tie them to some gifts, or stick them in my planters...

Any ideas?

I am grateful for....

Family.

I received word this morning that my aunt's house was hit by a tornado. 

 She was in her kitchen making breakfast for my cousin when she felt a burst of suction and saw the roof of her covered porch twisting off.  Thankfully, they made it to the basement, but she fell while going down the stairs and injured her knee and pulled her neck.  

I'm so grateful that they are all okay.  The roof is gone from her porch, laundry room and about 6 feet of her kitchen, but it sounds as though it could have been much worse.

She said it's the scariest thing she's ever experienced.  I cannot even imagine.

{photo credit:  madelyn * }

OMG....

Okay, if you've been reading for any time at all, you know my love for iced cofee.  Well, it just got taken to the next level....

McCafe Carmel Frappe 

Have you tried this yet?  So. Freaking. Good.  Proceed with caution though...I made the mistake of looking at the nutrition info....there is a reason this thing tastes so good!

Heaven help me.

Oh so jealous...

lookie what my best friend got...

Needless to say, I'm green with envy.  And, she found it on Craigslist!

Some people have all the luck!  ;)

{photo credit: amanda}

It's cool and rainy today, a far cry from the gorgeous weather we've been having.  It's the kind of day that makes me want to stay home with a cup of tea and a good book. {Eclipse would be perfect, as I just started reading it again, and am officially sucked back into the Twilight series.}  But, no such luck!  

My weekend was full.  Every minute it seemed.  Good, but full.  I didn't accomplish most of the things on my list.  That's alright though, I accomplished the important ones.  We made brunch for my in-laws yesterday for mother's day.  Such a great time, sitting around eating and talking.  It's so nice to spend time with family.  Then, yesterday evening we went to my mom's house for a bit.  It was busy, but it left my heart happy.  Love that.  

How was your weekend?  I hope all you moms out there got spoiled!  

{photo credit:  emilie79*}

Friday to-do...

Holy cow, it's Friday!  This week has seemed impossibly long and short all at the same time.  All I know is that I'm ready for the weekend, and thanks to my cleaning schedule from last weekend , my house is still clean this week!  hooray!  That means I don't have to put "clean the house" on my list this week!  {just the chores for tomorrow} You have no idea how happy this makes me!  This really is the way to go, folks.  A little every day!  

Would you like me to do a post about the schedule I'm following?

{not that I'm an expert homemaker my any means, but it's certainly working for me!}

This weekend I would like to:

• take a present to my mama {I'll share that with you next week too!}
• organize the office {I started this last night, but I'm just taking my time so my head doesn't explode}
• clean the bathrooms and do laundry {my only weekend chores}
• do one thing from my "fun" list  {this is the list of fun projects that I never get to do cause I'm cleaning!}
• buy some new running shoes
• run

I think that's it!  Should be nice and relaxing!

What do you have planned?

Whatever it is, I hope it's fabulous!

{photo credit: uppercaseyyc}

God speaks...

The greatest honor we can give to God is to live gladly because of the knowledge of His love.
-Julian of Norwich 


Funny how God speaks to you.  At lunch I was reading my devotional for small group, where I found this quote.  

After my writing this morning , it seemed fitting.  I will live gladly, for God loves me!

{photo credit:  JenniPenni}  yes, I realize that I just used one of her photos this morning, but seriously, could there be a more perfect photo for this post?

Sweeping thoughts...

Last night while I swept the floors {my chore for the day}, I got to thinking about those loved ones who are no longer with us.  I'm not sure what triggered it, but I was suddenly very aware of how short life really is.  I started missing my grandparents, and my great aunt.  This lead to thoughts of my own mortality.  

Let me tell you, this is really hard for me to write about, because it's probably my least favorite subject ever.  I don't like to acknowledge it.  See, I can't even bring myself to type the word.  You know, the "d" word.  I'm squirming in my seat.  Literally.  I'm that uncomfortable with it. 

Anyway, I started thinking about what I want my life to entail, the legacy I want to leave.  I think what scares me most, is that I'm not sure I'm leaving what I would want to.  I mean, I don't feel that I'm living a bad life, but I know I'm not living as fully as I could, as I should.  I could love more.  I could give more.  I could experience more.

This is a pretty deep post for me.  Perhaps it's that I'm nearing my 30th birthday, but I've felt alot of growth within myself lately.  I'm at a point where I realize that life is so, so short.  There is so much I want to do.  Not really anything magnificent, but I just want to live the everyday.  Really live it.  You know?  And, I've realized lately that I've spent the majority of my 20's wishing I had a different body.  I think alot of women struggle with this.  Lately, I've been more comfortable in my skin.  {despite the fact that my body is the furthest from my ideal that it's ever been}  I've decided to just love me.  It feels good.  Because when I love me, I want to take care of me.  No need to hate.  You can't live life to its fullest when you're not loving yourself. 

In thinking about my legacy, I was also aware of this blog and how it's now my journal, my diary, my scrapbook.  It's a record of this life I'm living.  It's more than that though, because it's brought all of you into my life, and for that, I am so grateful.  I cannot tell you enough how much each and every comment you leave means to me.  I feel like I have friends all across the country, and the world.  It's really quite amazing!  Thanks for reading.

I hope you all have a glorious day, and take in all the little things.  ;)

{photo credit:  jennipenni}

Fort Worth Stockyards...

We spent a day at the Fort Worth Stockyards.  It was such a neat area.  Looked like you stepped into an old western.  I, of course, didn't take any pictures of the surroundings.

We grabbed some Texas Barbeque at Risky's .  I opted for the chopped brisket sandwich, and it did not disappoint!  It was delicous, but I am still a Kansas City Barbeque lover, through and through!

The kiddos rode the automated horses and we watched them drive the longhorns through the street.  {apparently this is a daily occurance} I wouldn't want to go up against one of those suckers, no way!  Those things are gigantic!

We visited Billy Bob's , which for those of you who don't know, is a huge bar where everyone who's anyone in country music {and rock} come in concert.  It's actually where Bo and Amanda reconnected when they started dating.  ;)  They have walls of handprints in concrete of all the stars and everyone had fun seeing how their hands fit into the molds.  I'd love to actually go for a concert sometime.  I'm sure it's amazing!

There was so much we didn't get to explore in the stockyards.  Plenty to return someday to experience!
It was another fun day in Texas with great friends and great food!

{I've had some questions about my collages.  Tape strips are from here .  I cannot remember where I got the polaroid actions.  If you know, I'd be happy to add a link.}

Weekend re-cap...

Good morning everyone!  Hope you all had wonderful weekends and that you accomplished everything on your to-do list.  I got a good amount of mine done!  

Saturday I deep cleaned our master bedroom and bathroom.  {I had hopes of doing the whole upstairs, but it was a bigger project than I anticipated.  Not to mention that the office is a weekend project in itself!}  It felt so good to get everything spick and span.  I swear my life is more fulfilling, productive  and happy when my house is clean. 

Do you guys feel that way?  

To make sure it stays clean, I have come up with a schedule to help maintain throughout the week so I don't have to devote entire days on the weekends to cleaning.  I'm hopeful that this will free up some of my time to do some of the fun projects on my list that I never get to because of the things I need to do!

Our barbeque with the neighbors fell trough, so we made tacos at home and then went out for frozen custard.  Since we were out, we stopped at Blockbuster and got a couple of movies.  

We watched New Moon on Saturday night.  {Some of you may be rolling your eyes, and I understand.  You see, I got sucked into the books, and therefore I must see the movies.}  I actually thought this movie was much better than the first.  I was never able to get myself to read Eclipse, but now, I'm ready.  

Have you guys read the Twilight series?  Did you like the movies?

Sunday, we slept in, made breakfast and started watching 2012.  Typical end-of-world action movie.  It was okay.  

We went to evening church service and learned about forgiveness .  Then it was off to Wal-Mart to do our weekly shopping, during which we both confessed a desire for more frozen custard, so we indulged again on the way home!  We're so bad!  

All in all, it was a great weekend!  It was so nice to get my home organized and spend some time with my hubby.  

What did you do?  

I'll be back later with some more vacation re-caps.  {it seems like forever ago, but I still have more to share!}