Loving myself...

                                                                         -William Sloane Coffin

No list this week.

My heart is heavy this morning.  I had a fight with my mother.  The kind of fight where things you've been holding on to for a long time come spilling out and splatter all over your world and you're left to clean up the mess.  

I guess you could say that mothers and daughters do this.  I agree to an extent, but this runs a little deeper than that.  I've been holding on to things for a long, long time.  I do my best to forgive and forget, but I'm internalizing alot, and I'm coming to a point in my life where I don't want to do that anymore.  I want to change. 

I want to know that everything doesn't have to be perfect.  That the world won't unravel if I don't keep a tight grip on it.  That there is such a thing as freedom from the past.  I want to live.  I want to banish worry from my world and relax in the comfort that God is in control...not me.

I'm hoping that this can be the beginning of something new and better.  For as long as I can remember, I've been trying to fix things, things that aren't mine to fix.  The scars run deep, and it hurts, but I know that I have to let go.  I have to, before it seeps in and destroys me, and my marriage and everything that I hold dear. 

I have to tell the little girl inside me that it's not her fault.  She didn't do anything wrong.  She deserves to be happy.

My first instinct after a fight with anyone I love is to run to them, and try and mend it.  This time, I'm doing the very best I can to mend myself first.  I have to.  If I don't, then all I'm doing is what I've always done.  Nothing will change, and I'll find myself right back here again, and I don't want to come back to this place.  

I guess at this point, I'm not as mad at my mother, as I am determined to change my own perspective.  I know that our relationship will be okay.  We love each other too much for it not to be.

It's high time I become the woman I'm supposed to be.  

I know that within me is a woman, who possesses the best attributes of both her mother and her father, and some that are all hers.  She's kind, and confident.  She's real, and she doesn't pretend to be anything she's not.  She's not quick to anger, and she knows when to say no and how to say it assertively.  She loves herself first, so that she can love others to her full potential.  She adores her family and enjoys every day of her life.  She doesn't take things for granted, but she also doesn't take things too seriously.  She laughs alot.  

I'd like to be her friend and stop beating her up so much.  I'm also going to stop talking about myself in third person...it's starting to creep me out.  

In some ways, I'm already her.  In others, I have some work to do.  

I'm going to start by loving myself more.

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I'm sorry for such a serious post the day before a holiday.  I hope you all have plans to spend this weekend kicking off summer with friends and family, and that you find peace in remembering those who have passed before us.  I wish you sunny days and ice cold drinks, and most of all lots and lots of love.  

I'm off to spend a couple days visiting my Dad's old stomping ground.  It will be a mini version of our trip last year with just me and my sister and my dad.

Happy Memorial Day!

{photo credit:  JenniPenni}

Another Lost post...

Lost numbers silk screened print by Ty Mattson 

Okay, remember on Monday when I wrote about the Lost finale?

Remember how I said I loved it?  Well, I did, I can't deny it.  

That being said, the more I've talked it through with friends, the more disappointed I've become.  I mean, yes, it was crazy romantic and happy and uplifting....but what about all that stuff that they went through on the island?  Did none of that even matter?  

I still have a lot of burning questions, including, but not limited to:

• what was up with the pregnant ladies dying?  did we ever find that out?
• what was the point of the numbers?  just a way to tie it together?  why those numbers?
• what was the connection between Jacob and the Dharma initiative?  

Now, admittedly, some of these things I didn't get may very well have been answered.  I watched every episode, but did not even begin to comprehend everything that was flying at me!  I definitely consider myself a fan, but I have not spent hours digging through lostpedia, or watching episodes over and over.  I have a friend like that.  He's the one I go to to ask all these questions, cause he usually knows the answer.

He brought up a good point.  The writers certainly left it open for a movie plot if they so desire.  Think about it.  Hurley was left in charge of the island, with Ben as his #2.  Ben suggested Hurley start by getting Desmond home.  {Right there you have a task for a movie.} We know they followed through with that, because when Ben was sitting in the courtyard outside the church, he and Hurley talked about it, saying that they'd done a good job. 

They could totally bring back the children for a "Lost, The Next Generation" if you will.  You've got Walt, Aaron, and Sun and Jin's kid.  Think about it!

They certainly left plenty of things to still explain and delve into deeper if they so choose.

I'm kind of hoping for a movie now.  I'd just be scared that they'd make it totally lame, and dumb it down for a general audience or something.

I'll stop rambling about this.  Point being, I still loved the ending, but I wish I knew more!

Would you be excited about a Lost movie?

Inspiring Inspiration...

Perhaps I'm in search of a little inspiration myself, but I've been thinking about inspiration boards this morning.  I love seeing the bits and bobs that people collect, what they find inspiring.  I added a pretty butterfly card that Amanda sent me to mine last night.

An inspiration board is a piece of art in itself, constantly changing, evolving with the owner.

I'm feeling inspired to work on being inspired...is that strange?

A few inspiring inspiration boards from flickr:

{this one, by andrea singarella , has actually been inspiring me for a while}

{by Magic Jelly .  I love the images of people on this one.}

{the light and airy feel of this one screams lazy days of summer.  by sfgirlbybay.}

{i love how this one by cindy {quaint handmade} breaks the boundaries of the board.}

Do you have an inspiration board?

p.s. if you type inspiration too many times it starts looking like a made up word.  ;)